Time to put things away for a while I think...

If you've been in my home, you know that there's various items in my home that remind me of my son. We have photos, hand and foot prints, butterflies, name written in sand, baby blanket from when my husband found out we were pregnant and bought it specifically bought it for baby Adrian. The past month, I can't handle much more... I am in so much pain. So much.

I would like to try again for another baby and pray it'd be a boy, but that will not happen as we're already a family of "five".

I've been so depressed about this, and I can't bare to look at the painful reminders anymore. I know a lot of people will be thinking that it's about time, but really, it's nothing about time. It is just I can't bare to see it anymore. If we didn't have our beautiful girls, I highly doubt I'd be able to remove myself from my bed. I can't bring myself to that point again. No amount of medication, or motivation will be able to help me if I get to that point again.

So, I love my baby boy with all my heart, but I think it is time to put the things away for a while. I will probably bring them back out when I can, but for now, I can't do it anymore.

I miss my boy...

Living with your life after a loss becomes quite difficult at times. Last week, I got my vehicle back from the lot and was soooo happy to have it back in my possession. Not only because I was sick of the variety of rentals we had gone through, but because of my decal on the back of it. I'm proud to share my son with the world. Even if it's just stickers on my vehicle.

Well, after it being outside sitting at the lot for 3 months, it started to fall apart. Despite the "all-weather" claim it says it is on the manufacturers website. Fine whatever. I emailed them stating the ribbon part of it cracked, and then started to peel right off the window, and that the letters also started to come off... They said that in extreme coldness it could happen and that it was not a manufacturing defect like I suspected, since I hadn't even been driving the vehicle. No apology for it, just saying that our cold weather was to be blamed. Fine. I can rip the ribbon part off and leave the lettering that is there....

I was so saddened by this. I just didn't even know what to think. After this weekend more letters have relocated on the window and others are completely missing.

I firmly believed this would solve my problems with previous magnet ribbon thieves. But I guess, that's life.... Someone out there will always feel they need something more, so I'll just scrape the rest of the decal off tomorrow.

Photos...

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is one of many organizations out there that I'd like to promote at the moment. This program was never brought to my attention when Adrian died. It would've been very nice to know there was someone out there willing to take pictures of our beautiful son. I would've loved to have more then 10 photos taken. I should have taken my camera out of the car for his funeral. So many things happening at once and every emotion I had was all over the place. My life at that time was shattered to pieces and I wish we had captured some of it at least.

Sensitive & Triggering...

I felt this exact way for soo long after Adrian died...

Angels for Hope

I went out to get my mail this morning and received a package, didn't understand who'd be sending me something from Pennsylvania with Canadian stamps on it... Inside laid this butterfly. On the card it says:

"Someone special has requested that you receive this "Wings of Hope" so that you would know that you are loved and cared about. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs -- Angels for Hope"

On the back it says:

"Made for you by Kathy in Ontario"

I had never heard of this charity group before, but after looking, I can see how wonderful it is. People who are apart of the charity are assigned to mail out either an Angel, Butterfly, or Happy Face to those who've requested one be sent out to another person. If you know someone who could use a little bit of hope, or know anyone who would like to register to send out some hope, please check out their website Angels For Hope

I can't speak for how much this means to me, or how wonderful it is. So, thank you whomever you are that sent it my way... God bless.

Year 5...

This will be the fifth year that Adrian has been gone. I want to do something special for his birthday this year. Where did that time go? I will forever long for his life... I'm very happy and grateful for our daughters, but a boy? How fun would that be? I guess I'll really never know.



I'll never be able to play trucks, go build and play in tree-houses, make forts, go dirt-biking... I will never see him graduate and become whatever he would've been in life... Doctor? Firefighter? Pilot? Trucker? Movie star??? the list goes on! I will never be able to pin his boutonniere on his tux on his wedding day... see his children... my grandchildren...

This year, we will celebrate his life. We will grieve, well, I will... But we'll celebrate. We will celebrate and love... Cherish his very important life that was taken away way too soon. We will celebrate his life like at his baby shower, with happiness.

Winter days...

Last Saturday I stopped by the cemetery on my way home. Ava was sleeping in the van, so I didn't get out of the van to go near, I sat there in my own thoughts. I just sat there... collecting my thoughts from the day, the next day and so on. It was very peaceful. Very quiet. Not a soul around, no one to say a word. Pure silence. It was exactly what I needed. I used to think that cemeteries were so creepy and cold and awful, but now it's my home away from home. I don't go very often, when I do though it's always peaceful. I can just recollect and start over. I now understand why people walk their dogs in there, or just walk through for the day... It's peaceful. Birds are chirping in the summer, and snow is everywhere in the winter... It is on a beautiful bay... Who wouldn't find peace there?

There's days though, I wish I could never live the pain anymore. Pure emotion... I want to help others who have suffered, but I still feel enormous amounts of my own pain that I just can't handle to bring myself back down to the fresh state of a loss. That cold empty feeling of lost hope. I can't go back. I don't want to feel that I've stepped backwards in my grieving. But I suppose I'll be forever moving forward - just slowly...

In the meantime, put that smile on my face and we will continue our journey.