Last Saturday I stopped by the cemetery on my way home. Ava was sleeping in the van, so I didn't get out of the van to go near, I sat there in my own thoughts. I just sat there... collecting my thoughts from the day, the next day and so on. It was very peaceful. Very quiet. Not a soul around, no one to say a word. Pure silence. It was exactly what I needed. I used to think that cemeteries were so creepy and cold and awful, but now it's my home away from home. I don't go very often, when I do though it's always peaceful. I can just recollect and start over. I now understand why people walk their dogs in there, or just walk through for the day... It's peaceful. Birds are chirping in the summer, and snow is everywhere in the winter... It is on a beautiful bay... Who wouldn't find peace there?
There's days though, I wish I could never live the pain anymore. Pure emotion... I want to help others who have suffered, but I still feel enormous amounts of my own pain that I just can't handle to bring myself back down to the fresh state of a loss. That cold empty feeling of lost hope. I can't go back. I don't want to feel that I've stepped backwards in my grieving. But I suppose I'll be forever moving forward - just slowly...
In the meantime, put that smile on my face and we will continue our journey.
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