Day 4

Treasured item.

My most treasured items are these pieces of clothing. He wore them and they have his blood on them. It's weird, maybe. But that's my proof he was here and those specs if blood are the only tangible piece of him I have as he was buried instead of cremation.

It is kind of hard to tell but you can see blood on the hat above the gown on the right side.


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Day 3

After loss self portrait is day 3

I can't tell you why I have a picture of myself with a band showing but I do know tht the short weeks after Adrian my body went through some major changes and had 2 surgeries shortly after having him. I likely was showing someone my band through webcam or something. But anyways this was very shortly after him, and I'm sure you can tell by my face.



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Day 2 before loss self portrait

I don't have too many photos before my loss because I didn't realize how valuable photos were then. But this is my last pregnancy picture with Adrian. I was so young and naive. Someone told me not to buy anything because I could still loose the baby a few weeks before this... I didn't think it was actually going to happen...



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Capturing grief - sunrise

This is new to me, but I'd like to participate with this challenge this year. Every day I will post, or try to post a new topic everyday that relates to grief that's been preselected. Today's is Sunrise.

Unfortunately I do not usually see the sunrise but I do love it. It's a simple thing that can be so beautiful in so many ways.

A week after Adrian died, I walked to the cemetery. It wasn't a quick walk either. I did it though despite just having a baby. I made it there to sit at the bench and watch the sunrise and all I could think about was how it was meant to be this way. That even though Adrian died, this was a new experience and something good would come from it even though I have no idea what that would be. I had to have hope that there was something... Watching the sunrise in the quiet peaceful cemetery was life changing and now I understand why people walk in it.

So while I do not see the sun just fill the sky often these days, the days I do I remember that day.



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Balloons for Heaven

Last weekend we had a balloon release for Adrian. We usually do it on his actual birthday, but we weren't able to do it with our friends/family due to other reasons, so we postponed until the weekend.

Let me tell you, I have the best family and friends ever. This year was the hardest to cope with since the first birthday. And I've never seen so much love and giving for us. It means the world to me. I wish I had such amazing people around me all the time when we lost our son.

Before the release, I had to go into a store and get a BBQ brush, and I noticed they were selling papers to donate $2 to the Pregnancy and Family Care Centre in Belleville, which we used for our pregnancy with Adrian, and they were able to direct me to a couple support people. They helped my family in many ways before and after him, so it was only natural for me to do the donation. Instead of my name being on the paper, I wrote "In Memory of Adrian, June 2nd - 06". The cashier saw and read it, and paused, teared up and looked at me and said that was very very sweet and that she was sorry. The lines were long, and she was affected by my donation to the centre. It was clear that my story made an impact on her. It is nice to see there are others in the world who are amazing, and I don't even know them!

We then picked up the 30 balloons, and met everyone at the cemetery. It was pouring rain, but that didn't stop anyone from coming out. How I managed to hold my composure this day is beyond me. I have no idea. I had so many emotions I probably couldn't even process.

Fact is fact though, we have amazing friends and family. Friends are family. We walked to our section of the cemetery and let every balloon go, and watched them fly high into the sky, and some into a tree. We then headed to our place for a chillaxed time at our place for a bbq. It sucked it rained, but I'm still glad we had everyone come.

My friends surprised me with a figurine that touched my soul. It's perfect. I look at it everyday and it's just amazing. I received another figurine on Adrian's birthday, saying Birthday Boy and really, I'm just amazed how many this year have strive to keep this little boy precious in our lives.

So, THANK YOU friends and family.

Happy Birthday!

Patches

Patches arrived in our home at a perfect time. I needed him to help heal my aching heart. He came shortly after I put all our son's items away into the closet. I was so sad, I couldn't handle to see any reminders that he was never going to me more then a baby. When I got notice he'd be coming, I thought it was a sign. Then in the mail I received a different item, my necklace. Which Patches is wearing. Unfortunately for me, it gives me a rash due to the metal it's made from, but gave me an excuse to get his things out for display.

It took me a while to figure out how to arrange the shelf, but I think it's okay for now. Patches stayed there for the majority of the stay. However he was able to attend Adrian's birthday, by series of not so great events in our life at the moment, but I'm happy to say that he'll be on his merry way to the next family soon.

Happy 5th birthday Adrian.

To read more about Patches and his Adventures, check out the blog:

http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

Thinking of you...

Today I received some special mail. A card. But, not just any card... A card for my family... for Adrian. I saw who it was from, and instantly knew what it was. I knew right then my day would get so much better. Today I needed this. Today my darling girls are testing me, and I'm not in any mood to do so.

Today marks the day I knew something was wrong. Today marks the day I was induced. Probably the worst day of my life, 5 years ago. All day I have been wanting to vomit, and it's only 10:00 am. So, that was showing me how my day was going.

Yesterday, I changed my profile photo on facebook, and a friend of mine posted "just wanted to let the world know I LOVE YOU!!! thanks for being an awesome friend hehe". And it made my day, well night... I feel blessed.

I'm so glad I have great friends, far and close. I know I have great support. It's a complete new feeling since when we had him, we hardly had support. We had kind emails, and flowers... but the pain still (and still does) stung... Friends dwindled, and we found new ways to cope. But now? Not so much. We have all kinds of great friends, and great support. I hardly knew what a great circle of people I've surrounded myself with until recent months. And, I'm glad.

So, thank you everyone for thinking of us.