Winter days...

Last Saturday I stopped by the cemetery on my way home. Ava was sleeping in the van, so I didn't get out of the van to go near, I sat there in my own thoughts. I just sat there... collecting my thoughts from the day, the next day and so on. It was very peaceful. Very quiet. Not a soul around, no one to say a word. Pure silence. It was exactly what I needed. I used to think that cemeteries were so creepy and cold and awful, but now it's my home away from home. I don't go very often, when I do though it's always peaceful. I can just recollect and start over. I now understand why people walk their dogs in there, or just walk through for the day... It's peaceful. Birds are chirping in the summer, and snow is everywhere in the winter... It is on a beautiful bay... Who wouldn't find peace there?

There's days though, I wish I could never live the pain anymore. Pure emotion... I want to help others who have suffered, but I still feel enormous amounts of my own pain that I just can't handle to bring myself back down to the fresh state of a loss. That cold empty feeling of lost hope. I can't go back. I don't want to feel that I've stepped backwards in my grieving. But I suppose I'll be forever moving forward - just slowly...

In the meantime, put that smile on my face and we will continue our journey.

So much emotion...

Today I received an email from October15th's webstore. They often send emails when they have new products available for memorial items for pregnancy and infant loss. The email with the items in there triggered me to think of our beautiful boy.

"Empty But For Love"

I remember feeling this exact very way. So sad and raw.

"We Were Three"

The last image was also hard for me. It was one of the hardest things. Having to explain how I was pregnant, and no more. I do not know how many people I bumped into after having such a large pregnant belly and them to see me afterward with nothing. How do you tell someone this? After a while I just didn't say anything unless they asked.

After Adrian was born, I had a lot of issues that required me to have surgery done about 6 weeks after he was born. It was very scary and was an emergency surgery in Toronto. I had to explain to several people that I was recently pregnant, and he died. Some of the doctors did not read further into the chart to see he was still born. I'd end up a highly medicated sobbing mess signing papers saying so much that I wasn't prepared for. Another scary sad point in my life... I was quite mentally ill, and physically ill. I had a baby, and then 2 major surgeries within 6 weeks of each other and I was trying to cope with living in our apartment with all of Adrian's things... The flowers stopped coming, and the phone calls stopped happening too... And here I am coming up to 5 years later still in pain.

This is such a sore topic for me, how to explain that you have 3 children, when really you only have 2 living children.

Adrian's Traditions...

The second Christmas after Adrian's death, we decided to make ornaments in memory of Adrian and call it "Adrian's Traditions". I put a lot of effort into making these ornaments. I remember sitting up all hours of the night hot gluing and cutting my fingers up from putting feathers into the glass balls. With each ornament, I sent a card explaining the cause of the ornament's new tradition.

The following year, I noticed not many had put up the ornament on their trees. I know a few people who had, but the majority hadn't. That year I was so depressed that it just seemed like no matter what I did, no one gave a shit about my personal feelings regarding his death. He seemed to continue to be the elephant in the room. So I didn't even bother to make the ornaments for 2008.

Another Christmas went by in 2009, and again, I wasn't feeling up to making them. But this year, I had the wonderful help of Amelia helping make ornaments. Unfortunately the markers didn't dry up at all on the foam, and got marks everywhere, and then we forgot them all at home for every celebration during the holidays.

It is a start. And since the girls will be able to help, it'll make it just that much more fun to do every year. It'll help preserve innocence of their childhood, and will also help them understand who he is.