Thinking of you...

Today I received some special mail. A card. But, not just any card... A card for my family... for Adrian. I saw who it was from, and instantly knew what it was. I knew right then my day would get so much better. Today I needed this. Today my darling girls are testing me, and I'm not in any mood to do so.

Today marks the day I knew something was wrong. Today marks the day I was induced. Probably the worst day of my life, 5 years ago. All day I have been wanting to vomit, and it's only 10:00 am. So, that was showing me how my day was going.

Yesterday, I changed my profile photo on facebook, and a friend of mine posted "just wanted to let the world know I LOVE YOU!!! thanks for being an awesome friend hehe". And it made my day, well night... I feel blessed.

I'm so glad I have great friends, far and close. I know I have great support. It's a complete new feeling since when we had him, we hardly had support. We had kind emails, and flowers... but the pain still (and still does) stung... Friends dwindled, and we found new ways to cope. But now? Not so much. We have all kinds of great friends, and great support. I hardly knew what a great circle of people I've surrounded myself with until recent months. And, I'm glad.

So, thank you everyone for thinking of us.

Patches...

A friend came in the mail today! Patches! I can't wait to post about his adventures in our home.

In the meantime, I'm such a basket case. I'm so emotionally messed up at the moment... A sobbing mess with a good case of depression holding on tightly.

Necklace...

For Mother's day this year, I ordered this necklace as a gift to myself. Kind of selfish, I know. But this is what I wanted. I wanted something in memory of Adrian. Many forget about how important he is to me in my life especially on that day. So I ordered it and it was mailed out as soon as the creator made it. It is custom, which is awesome.

On the inside it has "my forever baby" written on the underside of the feet, and then there's his birth stone gem, and then there is "Adrian stillborn 6.2.06" and on the back is a butterfly. It is the most perfect piece of jewelry I own at the moment aside from my wedding band! I love it to bits, and it came with a beautiful card from the creator. I know I paid for this necklace but the little card and note is an extra step I didn't expect and it makes everything seem more comforting.

Letters to Heaven journal...

I received this journal in the mail this week. It pulled strings on my heart. Some families have written about their children, some of their relatives have written also. I'm amazed as the love for all these babies that have left us behind... I wrote in there, and felt so many emotions. It's so close to his 5th birthday, and all I can feel is sadness, but joy at the same time. I love my little buddy, but I miss him terribly.

My Precious Child

Life without you isn't the same.
Others seem to forget your name.
The pain at times is so real,
So intense.
I wish I could always feel your presence.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.
Life goes on--although you are gone.
Old friends are different--and new ones
Help Mommy move on.
I wish everyone could see--
You that lives on in me.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me

I gave my son away to God...

I often wonder how things would be different today with Adrian around. I gave him to God though, and I'm sure he's watching with Him to make sure we're okay down here. Or at least I can hope that is the case.

Last week I ordered myself a gift on Etsy. The chain that my husband and I got the day after Adrian died broke, and I have been naked without the chain for a very long time. I'm grateful I still have all the pieces to get it repaired, but I just haven't done so. Maybe it's a sign of something? Or pure laziness... Not sure.

They are custom made, and I can't wait to get my piece that I ordered.

The date of his birth/death is approaching, and I'm not looking forward to it by any means. Soon as May approaches, I get depressed and kind of hide in a hole of crap. This time seems so much worse then the previous years. But I will make it, and be proud for everything that I have, and how much I've better myself since those dark days of his death...

Each year we've celebrated his birthday with balloons, a cake and our circle of family. Friends and family, for that matter. But they're our circle of support. Each year that circle changes, and that's perfectly fine because everyone's lives change and that means we change how we do things. Last year we were alone. It wasn't nice at all. I needed those people for help, but none were available... Not saying that I didn't have support, because I do. But they don't live nearby. This year will be different. It has to be, he'd be 5.