Day 4

Treasured item.

My most treasured items are these pieces of clothing. He wore them and they have his blood on them. It's weird, maybe. But that's my proof he was here and those specs if blood are the only tangible piece of him I have as he was buried instead of cremation.

It is kind of hard to tell but you can see blood on the hat above the gown on the right side.


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Day 3

After loss self portrait is day 3

I can't tell you why I have a picture of myself with a band showing but I do know tht the short weeks after Adrian my body went through some major changes and had 2 surgeries shortly after having him. I likely was showing someone my band through webcam or something. But anyways this was very shortly after him, and I'm sure you can tell by my face.



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Day 2 before loss self portrait

I don't have too many photos before my loss because I didn't realize how valuable photos were then. But this is my last pregnancy picture with Adrian. I was so young and naive. Someone told me not to buy anything because I could still loose the baby a few weeks before this... I didn't think it was actually going to happen...



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Capturing grief - sunrise

This is new to me, but I'd like to participate with this challenge this year. Every day I will post, or try to post a new topic everyday that relates to grief that's been preselected. Today's is Sunrise.

Unfortunately I do not usually see the sunrise but I do love it. It's a simple thing that can be so beautiful in so many ways.

A week after Adrian died, I walked to the cemetery. It wasn't a quick walk either. I did it though despite just having a baby. I made it there to sit at the bench and watch the sunrise and all I could think about was how it was meant to be this way. That even though Adrian died, this was a new experience and something good would come from it even though I have no idea what that would be. I had to have hope that there was something... Watching the sunrise in the quiet peaceful cemetery was life changing and now I understand why people walk in it.

So while I do not see the sun just fill the sky often these days, the days I do I remember that day.



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Balloons for Heaven

Last weekend we had a balloon release for Adrian. We usually do it on his actual birthday, but we weren't able to do it with our friends/family due to other reasons, so we postponed until the weekend.

Let me tell you, I have the best family and friends ever. This year was the hardest to cope with since the first birthday. And I've never seen so much love and giving for us. It means the world to me. I wish I had such amazing people around me all the time when we lost our son.

Before the release, I had to go into a store and get a BBQ brush, and I noticed they were selling papers to donate $2 to the Pregnancy and Family Care Centre in Belleville, which we used for our pregnancy with Adrian, and they were able to direct me to a couple support people. They helped my family in many ways before and after him, so it was only natural for me to do the donation. Instead of my name being on the paper, I wrote "In Memory of Adrian, June 2nd - 06". The cashier saw and read it, and paused, teared up and looked at me and said that was very very sweet and that she was sorry. The lines were long, and she was affected by my donation to the centre. It was clear that my story made an impact on her. It is nice to see there are others in the world who are amazing, and I don't even know them!

We then picked up the 30 balloons, and met everyone at the cemetery. It was pouring rain, but that didn't stop anyone from coming out. How I managed to hold my composure this day is beyond me. I have no idea. I had so many emotions I probably couldn't even process.

Fact is fact though, we have amazing friends and family. Friends are family. We walked to our section of the cemetery and let every balloon go, and watched them fly high into the sky, and some into a tree. We then headed to our place for a chillaxed time at our place for a bbq. It sucked it rained, but I'm still glad we had everyone come.

My friends surprised me with a figurine that touched my soul. It's perfect. I look at it everyday and it's just amazing. I received another figurine on Adrian's birthday, saying Birthday Boy and really, I'm just amazed how many this year have strive to keep this little boy precious in our lives.

So, THANK YOU friends and family.

Happy Birthday!

Patches

Patches arrived in our home at a perfect time. I needed him to help heal my aching heart. He came shortly after I put all our son's items away into the closet. I was so sad, I couldn't handle to see any reminders that he was never going to me more then a baby. When I got notice he'd be coming, I thought it was a sign. Then in the mail I received a different item, my necklace. Which Patches is wearing. Unfortunately for me, it gives me a rash due to the metal it's made from, but gave me an excuse to get his things out for display.

It took me a while to figure out how to arrange the shelf, but I think it's okay for now. Patches stayed there for the majority of the stay. However he was able to attend Adrian's birthday, by series of not so great events in our life at the moment, but I'm happy to say that he'll be on his merry way to the next family soon.

Happy 5th birthday Adrian.

To read more about Patches and his Adventures, check out the blog:

http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

Thinking of you...

Today I received some special mail. A card. But, not just any card... A card for my family... for Adrian. I saw who it was from, and instantly knew what it was. I knew right then my day would get so much better. Today I needed this. Today my darling girls are testing me, and I'm not in any mood to do so.

Today marks the day I knew something was wrong. Today marks the day I was induced. Probably the worst day of my life, 5 years ago. All day I have been wanting to vomit, and it's only 10:00 am. So, that was showing me how my day was going.

Yesterday, I changed my profile photo on facebook, and a friend of mine posted "just wanted to let the world know I LOVE YOU!!! thanks for being an awesome friend hehe". And it made my day, well night... I feel blessed.

I'm so glad I have great friends, far and close. I know I have great support. It's a complete new feeling since when we had him, we hardly had support. We had kind emails, and flowers... but the pain still (and still does) stung... Friends dwindled, and we found new ways to cope. But now? Not so much. We have all kinds of great friends, and great support. I hardly knew what a great circle of people I've surrounded myself with until recent months. And, I'm glad.

So, thank you everyone for thinking of us.

Patches...

A friend came in the mail today! Patches! I can't wait to post about his adventures in our home.

In the meantime, I'm such a basket case. I'm so emotionally messed up at the moment... A sobbing mess with a good case of depression holding on tightly.

Necklace...

For Mother's day this year, I ordered this necklace as a gift to myself. Kind of selfish, I know. But this is what I wanted. I wanted something in memory of Adrian. Many forget about how important he is to me in my life especially on that day. So I ordered it and it was mailed out as soon as the creator made it. It is custom, which is awesome.

On the inside it has "my forever baby" written on the underside of the feet, and then there's his birth stone gem, and then there is "Adrian stillborn 6.2.06" and on the back is a butterfly. It is the most perfect piece of jewelry I own at the moment aside from my wedding band! I love it to bits, and it came with a beautiful card from the creator. I know I paid for this necklace but the little card and note is an extra step I didn't expect and it makes everything seem more comforting.

Letters to Heaven journal...

I received this journal in the mail this week. It pulled strings on my heart. Some families have written about their children, some of their relatives have written also. I'm amazed as the love for all these babies that have left us behind... I wrote in there, and felt so many emotions. It's so close to his 5th birthday, and all I can feel is sadness, but joy at the same time. I love my little buddy, but I miss him terribly.

My Precious Child

Life without you isn't the same.
Others seem to forget your name.
The pain at times is so real,
So intense.
I wish I could always feel your presence.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.
Life goes on--although you are gone.
Old friends are different--and new ones
Help Mommy move on.
I wish everyone could see--
You that lives on in me.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me

I gave my son away to God...

I often wonder how things would be different today with Adrian around. I gave him to God though, and I'm sure he's watching with Him to make sure we're okay down here. Or at least I can hope that is the case.

Last week I ordered myself a gift on Etsy. The chain that my husband and I got the day after Adrian died broke, and I have been naked without the chain for a very long time. I'm grateful I still have all the pieces to get it repaired, but I just haven't done so. Maybe it's a sign of something? Or pure laziness... Not sure.

They are custom made, and I can't wait to get my piece that I ordered.

The date of his birth/death is approaching, and I'm not looking forward to it by any means. Soon as May approaches, I get depressed and kind of hide in a hole of crap. This time seems so much worse then the previous years. But I will make it, and be proud for everything that I have, and how much I've better myself since those dark days of his death...

Each year we've celebrated his birthday with balloons, a cake and our circle of family. Friends and family, for that matter. But they're our circle of support. Each year that circle changes, and that's perfectly fine because everyone's lives change and that means we change how we do things. Last year we were alone. It wasn't nice at all. I needed those people for help, but none were available... Not saying that I didn't have support, because I do. But they don't live nearby. This year will be different. It has to be, he'd be 5.

Patches...

Last week, I received a message saying I was next in line to receive Patches the Bear. I had forgotten about him. I'm super glad that he'll be coming our way because I think a little patching is needed for our dear son. To read more about Patches Adventures, go here http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

My last entry was about how I needed to pack some of his things away for a while, and I did. I did it in an hours time. I did not realize that I could fit everything into a laundry hamper, let alone do it in an hour. I just put it in our closet on the floor, and every day since, my oldest daughter keeps going into the closet and looking at his photos, saying "Shhh... Babee sleepin". It is adorable. And I am glad these photos do not scare her, or seem different to her at all.

That is her big brother, and I think her way of saying maybe it's time to bring his things back out, but maybe just in a certain area of the house... Not everywhere.

Time to put things away for a while I think...

If you've been in my home, you know that there's various items in my home that remind me of my son. We have photos, hand and foot prints, butterflies, name written in sand, baby blanket from when my husband found out we were pregnant and bought it specifically bought it for baby Adrian. The past month, I can't handle much more... I am in so much pain. So much.

I would like to try again for another baby and pray it'd be a boy, but that will not happen as we're already a family of "five".

I've been so depressed about this, and I can't bare to look at the painful reminders anymore. I know a lot of people will be thinking that it's about time, but really, it's nothing about time. It is just I can't bare to see it anymore. If we didn't have our beautiful girls, I highly doubt I'd be able to remove myself from my bed. I can't bring myself to that point again. No amount of medication, or motivation will be able to help me if I get to that point again.

So, I love my baby boy with all my heart, but I think it is time to put the things away for a while. I will probably bring them back out when I can, but for now, I can't do it anymore.

I miss my boy...

Living with your life after a loss becomes quite difficult at times. Last week, I got my vehicle back from the lot and was soooo happy to have it back in my possession. Not only because I was sick of the variety of rentals we had gone through, but because of my decal on the back of it. I'm proud to share my son with the world. Even if it's just stickers on my vehicle.

Well, after it being outside sitting at the lot for 3 months, it started to fall apart. Despite the "all-weather" claim it says it is on the manufacturers website. Fine whatever. I emailed them stating the ribbon part of it cracked, and then started to peel right off the window, and that the letters also started to come off... They said that in extreme coldness it could happen and that it was not a manufacturing defect like I suspected, since I hadn't even been driving the vehicle. No apology for it, just saying that our cold weather was to be blamed. Fine. I can rip the ribbon part off and leave the lettering that is there....

I was so saddened by this. I just didn't even know what to think. After this weekend more letters have relocated on the window and others are completely missing.

I firmly believed this would solve my problems with previous magnet ribbon thieves. But I guess, that's life.... Someone out there will always feel they need something more, so I'll just scrape the rest of the decal off tomorrow.

Photos...

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is one of many organizations out there that I'd like to promote at the moment. This program was never brought to my attention when Adrian died. It would've been very nice to know there was someone out there willing to take pictures of our beautiful son. I would've loved to have more then 10 photos taken. I should have taken my camera out of the car for his funeral. So many things happening at once and every emotion I had was all over the place. My life at that time was shattered to pieces and I wish we had captured some of it at least.

Sensitive & Triggering...

I felt this exact way for soo long after Adrian died...

Angels for Hope

I went out to get my mail this morning and received a package, didn't understand who'd be sending me something from Pennsylvania with Canadian stamps on it... Inside laid this butterfly. On the card it says:

"Someone special has requested that you receive this "Wings of Hope" so that you would know that you are loved and cared about. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs -- Angels for Hope"

On the back it says:

"Made for you by Kathy in Ontario"

I had never heard of this charity group before, but after looking, I can see how wonderful it is. People who are apart of the charity are assigned to mail out either an Angel, Butterfly, or Happy Face to those who've requested one be sent out to another person. If you know someone who could use a little bit of hope, or know anyone who would like to register to send out some hope, please check out their website Angels For Hope

I can't speak for how much this means to me, or how wonderful it is. So, thank you whomever you are that sent it my way... God bless.

Year 5...

This will be the fifth year that Adrian has been gone. I want to do something special for his birthday this year. Where did that time go? I will forever long for his life... I'm very happy and grateful for our daughters, but a boy? How fun would that be? I guess I'll really never know.



I'll never be able to play trucks, go build and play in tree-houses, make forts, go dirt-biking... I will never see him graduate and become whatever he would've been in life... Doctor? Firefighter? Pilot? Trucker? Movie star??? the list goes on! I will never be able to pin his boutonniere on his tux on his wedding day... see his children... my grandchildren...

This year, we will celebrate his life. We will grieve, well, I will... But we'll celebrate. We will celebrate and love... Cherish his very important life that was taken away way too soon. We will celebrate his life like at his baby shower, with happiness.

Winter days...

Last Saturday I stopped by the cemetery on my way home. Ava was sleeping in the van, so I didn't get out of the van to go near, I sat there in my own thoughts. I just sat there... collecting my thoughts from the day, the next day and so on. It was very peaceful. Very quiet. Not a soul around, no one to say a word. Pure silence. It was exactly what I needed. I used to think that cemeteries were so creepy and cold and awful, but now it's my home away from home. I don't go very often, when I do though it's always peaceful. I can just recollect and start over. I now understand why people walk their dogs in there, or just walk through for the day... It's peaceful. Birds are chirping in the summer, and snow is everywhere in the winter... It is on a beautiful bay... Who wouldn't find peace there?

There's days though, I wish I could never live the pain anymore. Pure emotion... I want to help others who have suffered, but I still feel enormous amounts of my own pain that I just can't handle to bring myself back down to the fresh state of a loss. That cold empty feeling of lost hope. I can't go back. I don't want to feel that I've stepped backwards in my grieving. But I suppose I'll be forever moving forward - just slowly...

In the meantime, put that smile on my face and we will continue our journey.