Letters to Heaven journal...

I received this journal in the mail this week. It pulled strings on my heart. Some families have written about their children, some of their relatives have written also. I'm amazed as the love for all these babies that have left us behind... I wrote in there, and felt so many emotions. It's so close to his 5th birthday, and all I can feel is sadness, but joy at the same time. I love my little buddy, but I miss him terribly.

My Precious Child

Life without you isn't the same.
Others seem to forget your name.
The pain at times is so real,
So intense.
I wish I could always feel your presence.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.
Life goes on--although you are gone.
Old friends are different--and new ones
Help Mommy move on.
I wish everyone could see--
You that lives on in me.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me

I gave my son away to God...

I often wonder how things would be different today with Adrian around. I gave him to God though, and I'm sure he's watching with Him to make sure we're okay down here. Or at least I can hope that is the case.

Last week I ordered myself a gift on Etsy. The chain that my husband and I got the day after Adrian died broke, and I have been naked without the chain for a very long time. I'm grateful I still have all the pieces to get it repaired, but I just haven't done so. Maybe it's a sign of something? Or pure laziness... Not sure.

They are custom made, and I can't wait to get my piece that I ordered.

The date of his birth/death is approaching, and I'm not looking forward to it by any means. Soon as May approaches, I get depressed and kind of hide in a hole of crap. This time seems so much worse then the previous years. But I will make it, and be proud for everything that I have, and how much I've better myself since those dark days of his death...

Each year we've celebrated his birthday with balloons, a cake and our circle of family. Friends and family, for that matter. But they're our circle of support. Each year that circle changes, and that's perfectly fine because everyone's lives change and that means we change how we do things. Last year we were alone. It wasn't nice at all. I needed those people for help, but none were available... Not saying that I didn't have support, because I do. But they don't live nearby. This year will be different. It has to be, he'd be 5.

Patches...

Last week, I received a message saying I was next in line to receive Patches the Bear. I had forgotten about him. I'm super glad that he'll be coming our way because I think a little patching is needed for our dear son. To read more about Patches Adventures, go here http://patchesthebear.blogspot.com/

My last entry was about how I needed to pack some of his things away for a while, and I did. I did it in an hours time. I did not realize that I could fit everything into a laundry hamper, let alone do it in an hour. I just put it in our closet on the floor, and every day since, my oldest daughter keeps going into the closet and looking at his photos, saying "Shhh... Babee sleepin". It is adorable. And I am glad these photos do not scare her, or seem different to her at all.

That is her big brother, and I think her way of saying maybe it's time to bring his things back out, but maybe just in a certain area of the house... Not everywhere.

Time to put things away for a while I think...

If you've been in my home, you know that there's various items in my home that remind me of my son. We have photos, hand and foot prints, butterflies, name written in sand, baby blanket from when my husband found out we were pregnant and bought it specifically bought it for baby Adrian. The past month, I can't handle much more... I am in so much pain. So much.

I would like to try again for another baby and pray it'd be a boy, but that will not happen as we're already a family of "five".

I've been so depressed about this, and I can't bare to look at the painful reminders anymore. I know a lot of people will be thinking that it's about time, but really, it's nothing about time. It is just I can't bare to see it anymore. If we didn't have our beautiful girls, I highly doubt I'd be able to remove myself from my bed. I can't bring myself to that point again. No amount of medication, or motivation will be able to help me if I get to that point again.

So, I love my baby boy with all my heart, but I think it is time to put the things away for a while. I will probably bring them back out when I can, but for now, I can't do it anymore.

I miss my boy...

Living with your life after a loss becomes quite difficult at times. Last week, I got my vehicle back from the lot and was soooo happy to have it back in my possession. Not only because I was sick of the variety of rentals we had gone through, but because of my decal on the back of it. I'm proud to share my son with the world. Even if it's just stickers on my vehicle.

Well, after it being outside sitting at the lot for 3 months, it started to fall apart. Despite the "all-weather" claim it says it is on the manufacturers website. Fine whatever. I emailed them stating the ribbon part of it cracked, and then started to peel right off the window, and that the letters also started to come off... They said that in extreme coldness it could happen and that it was not a manufacturing defect like I suspected, since I hadn't even been driving the vehicle. No apology for it, just saying that our cold weather was to be blamed. Fine. I can rip the ribbon part off and leave the lettering that is there....

I was so saddened by this. I just didn't even know what to think. After this weekend more letters have relocated on the window and others are completely missing.

I firmly believed this would solve my problems with previous magnet ribbon thieves. But I guess, that's life.... Someone out there will always feel they need something more, so I'll just scrape the rest of the decal off tomorrow.

Photos...

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is one of many organizations out there that I'd like to promote at the moment. This program was never brought to my attention when Adrian died. It would've been very nice to know there was someone out there willing to take pictures of our beautiful son. I would've loved to have more then 10 photos taken. I should have taken my camera out of the car for his funeral. So many things happening at once and every emotion I had was all over the place. My life at that time was shattered to pieces and I wish we had captured some of it at least.